AUDIO: Will run for donuts

October 2, 2017
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One of the greatest modern innovations, the sports bra, was invented 40 years ago. We have to wonder what women did before then, and we have to also assume it was really uncomfortable!

No one will need a sports bra for the Lard Butt 1k. Yes, you read that right, the Lard Butt 1k. That's a measly 0.62 miles, with stops for donuts along the way. If a short shuffle fueled by donuts sounds like your jam, then head to San Francisco on Nov. 4th. Promise you won't need much training for this race, just show up hungry.

Speaking of butts, there's a new candle you can gift your least-liked friends and family members. Prank Candles look and, at first, smell just like a regular candle. But not long after someone lights that "Apple Pie" candle, the fragrance will become distinctly more...flatulent. These candles feature transitional scents such as Apple Pie to Dirty Fart, Roses to Sweaty Butt Crack and Vanilla to Vomit. It's gross, but oh so funny.

When those candles get going, you might want to get far away, as quickly as possible. Elon musk can help with that! Musk is working with engineers and rocket scientists to develop a rocket that could blast off from New York City and land in Shanghai in about 30 minutes. We can only imagine that trip would be very barfy.